People you meet in a restaurant whom you'd love to kill
I was in a restaurant tonight, and so many things pissed me off that i had to slit my neck to release blood pressure. Feeling kinda faint.......
Anyway, I'm sure these things would piss you off good too.
#1 Mr "I'm-the-only-one-in-the-restaurant"
They're obnoxious. They're loud. And their voice is as annoying as Joan Rivers'. You know what the hell i'm talking about: Those people who yell when they're carrying out a normal conversation. Is that really necessary? Do they think that the person sitting across the table is deaf? Get some class, asshole. The entire restaurant doesn't need to know you Aunt May has cervical cancer.
#2 The Satanic children
It may be the children who are the annoyance, but my beef is with the parents on this one. They bring their kids to semi-classy restaurant, and they don't even move an ass hair to try and control them. Tonight, this bratty devil-child kept clanking his chopsticks together over and over again. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. I felt like throwing the boiling tea at him. What where the parents doing? Jack-shit, that's what.
#3 The peeping toms
This one has happened to me countless times.
People come in, and they STARE at what you are eating. Their eyes are trained at your food. Then they POINT to it and start yapping, as if you aren't even there. It happens when people are seated too close to your table too. They just STARE and never acknowledge your existance. Then the waiters come in. That's when the fun starts. You have an entire table of people, as well as the frickin' waiter, pointing and looking at your food and discussing whether they want to order it. I'M NOT A GODDAMNED ANIMAL, SHITHEADS! STOP STARING!
I felt like saying "You want this, do you? DO YOU?!??!", and start force-feeding them whatever i was eating. Eh, they can have it. Lost my apetite after all the staring and pointing.
#4 The yappy waitresses
I'm not being sexist here, but they're always women. Two waitresses would stand in one corner and yap and yap and yap about yesterday night's Sex in the City or something, and totally ignore you. You can whistle, you can light a magnesium flare, and they still wouldn't even look in your general direction. I tried throwing a plate at one once, and all she did was dodge the plate and continue talking. These people should be fired. Your boss is paying you to wait tables, not make idle chatter. Idiots.
#5 Shame of the Nation
With the above being said, you still have to excercise a certain degree of self control when it comes to getting the waiter's/waitress' attention. Do not be a stone-age dumbass.
Here's what i mean: A couple of years ago i was in a restaurant. It was pretty crowded, and you had to wait awhile to be.....waited upon. Apparently, this guy had the patience of a hair brush, and he promptly raised his hand. In his clenched palm was a lit lighter. How unclassy and uncivilized is that?! Be it at Denny's or Le Gilded Truffle, YOU NEVER DO THAT. The only times you are allowed to light a lighter is when 1)You want to smoke 2)You're at a Michael Jackson concert or 3) you want to commit random acts of arson.
Restaurant's should have a hose with water at 120psi for patrons like that. They need to be taught a lesson by being bruised by some H2O.
Excuse me, i need to cauterize this gash in my neck before i pass oooooooooooooooooooooo
Anyway, I'm sure these things would piss you off good too.
#1 Mr "I'm-the-only-one-in-the-restaurant"
They're obnoxious. They're loud. And their voice is as annoying as Joan Rivers'. You know what the hell i'm talking about: Those people who yell when they're carrying out a normal conversation. Is that really necessary? Do they think that the person sitting across the table is deaf? Get some class, asshole. The entire restaurant doesn't need to know you Aunt May has cervical cancer.
#2 The Satanic children
It may be the children who are the annoyance, but my beef is with the parents on this one. They bring their kids to semi-classy restaurant, and they don't even move an ass hair to try and control them. Tonight, this bratty devil-child kept clanking his chopsticks together over and over again. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. I felt like throwing the boiling tea at him. What where the parents doing? Jack-shit, that's what.
#3 The peeping toms
This one has happened to me countless times.
People come in, and they STARE at what you are eating. Their eyes are trained at your food. Then they POINT to it and start yapping, as if you aren't even there. It happens when people are seated too close to your table too. They just STARE and never acknowledge your existance. Then the waiters come in. That's when the fun starts. You have an entire table of people, as well as the frickin' waiter, pointing and looking at your food and discussing whether they want to order it. I'M NOT A GODDAMNED ANIMAL, SHITHEADS! STOP STARING!
I felt like saying "You want this, do you? DO YOU?!??!", and start force-feeding them whatever i was eating. Eh, they can have it. Lost my apetite after all the staring and pointing.
#4 The yappy waitresses
I'm not being sexist here, but they're always women. Two waitresses would stand in one corner and yap and yap and yap about yesterday night's Sex in the City or something, and totally ignore you. You can whistle, you can light a magnesium flare, and they still wouldn't even look in your general direction. I tried throwing a plate at one once, and all she did was dodge the plate and continue talking. These people should be fired. Your boss is paying you to wait tables, not make idle chatter. Idiots.
#5 Shame of the Nation
With the above being said, you still have to excercise a certain degree of self control when it comes to getting the waiter's/waitress' attention. Do not be a stone-age dumbass.
Here's what i mean: A couple of years ago i was in a restaurant. It was pretty crowded, and you had to wait awhile to be.....waited upon. Apparently, this guy had the patience of a hair brush, and he promptly raised his hand. In his clenched palm was a lit lighter. How unclassy and uncivilized is that?! Be it at Denny's or Le Gilded Truffle, YOU NEVER DO THAT. The only times you are allowed to light a lighter is when 1)You want to smoke 2)You're at a Michael Jackson concert or 3) you want to commit random acts of arson.
Restaurant's should have a hose with water at 120psi for patrons like that. They need to be taught a lesson by being bruised by some H2O.
Excuse me, i need to cauterize this gash in my neck before i pass oooooooooooooooooooooo
