Humans make me sick. To my stomach. If i had a choice, i'd go back in time and kill every last Homo Erectus. Not because they're named after a boner, but mainly because they evolve into the loathesome Homo Sapien.

Natural disasters happen. They happen all the time. But once in a while, god decides to tease us (or test. Whatever), and send a doozie our way. First it was the Flood, then it was a giant volcanic eruption, third was Martha Stewart, and finally we have a giant tidal wave.

Hundreds of thousands die. Nobody really cares. Yep, you read right, nobody really cares. Everybody just feeling "sad" and observing moments of silences just because the media tells us to. The harsh fact is: humans can never feel the full horror of the situation when the live vicariously through the TV.

Then the important players enter. Governments, the military, and organizations all itching to get their name out onto the global scene.

You think the military executes these exercises because they're chock full of good-will? Nope. They're treating this as a training exercise. It's a chance to use the shiny new chopper they bought in 1999. It's a chance to practice in case the same thing happens at home. It's a chance to show the world that they exist. Save a few people while we're at it? Sure........i gues.....no one's plan is perfect. I'm sure maybe we'l accidentally save a few while around in Aceh. The important thing is i get to fly something new.

Countries get into the act too. A good example would be Singapore. Their effort to hold the UN relief hub over their just shows how much they care about the region. Or is it because they just want to get the name "Singapore" out onto the UN. Singapore loves being a hub. Their a hub for every god-damned thing.

Large scale tragedies have turned into a giant ad campaign for all the selfish disembodied entities that run our country. It has stopped being about good-will a long time ago.

Fatkins, schmatkins. Take all your kidney-failing, liver-destroying, bowel-shredding diets and pills and shove it. That's right. Shove it. That is if you can find your anus through your massive ass.

You know what's the best way of losing weight? Excercise and a PROPER diet. The operative word here is "proper". Eliminating one kind of food from your diet can't be good fr you. For your perusal, i've compiled a dandy list of things that have been known to happen to fat people on the Fatkins Diet:

1. Inability to have normal bowel movement
2. significantly more diarrhea
3. general weakness
4. rashes
5. muscle cramps
6. kidney damage (my favourite)
7. an ass-kicking from yours truly

The fatkins diet has been debunked and bombed by so many doctors, it isn't even funny anymore. The question is: If the risks of such a diet are so high, why do people still hang on to it? Answer's simple, folks: The masses are mindless media drones who are so friggin' lazy they'd rather risk permanent damage to their brain than move their ass and excercise.

Modern society makes me sick. At the risk of sounding like the Unabomber, i won't elaborate on that point.

People nowdays want things quick, fast, right now. "Miracle diet that makes me lose weight? Diet pill that blocks carbs? Why not? I can now look like the skinny stick-thin models featured in magazines because true beauty is what appears on this month's cover of Comso. Who cares about the kidney damge?!!?!"

The only reason people pursue this dangerous diet is because a shiny new book came out and a couple of celebrities gave it the thumbs up. Hey, if celebrities approve of it, it can't be wrong. After all, they aren't human. GET A BRAIN, morons. Put down the Cosmo and pick up Medical Journal. The only way to lose weight safely is a good diet and excercise. Anything else is just plain lazy and unhealthy.

I was dragged to hell yesterday. Hell being Orchard Cineleisure. That building is nothing more than a big heap of useless. Here's what assaults your eyes when you face the general direction on Orchard Cineleisure:

1. Smoking teens, who, by the way, are definitely below 18
2. screaming teenage girls teenage boys, screaming about the girls
3. a heavy-ass glass door that no one can open. Damn door.
   

Among No. 2, the screaming teenage girls, are teenage girl sluts. I use the word "slut" very loosely, kinda like the girls themselves. Burn! Anway, it's not that they are promiscuous , but it's because of the way they dress.

Have you seen what the youth of today are wearing? Nothing. That's what.

I've seen girls barely 13 dress like the Slut Queen herself, Christina Aguilera. Don't get me wrong, her voice is great, but for the love of god, put on some clothes. These precocious pre-teens are already putting on make up, wearing thonsg, and hanging rags over random places on their body. I think they consider that clothing.

I blame the parents. And maybe the media. But more of the parents.
What parent in their right freakin' mind, would allow their child, their own flesh and blood, the fusion of both their genetic information, to walk out the door looking like a 3-dollar hooker? I can just imagine an 8-year-old in fishnet stalkings, Tina Turner hair, and whore-rified make-up waving to her parents as she walks out the door, checking her purse for extra condoms.
Mom: Our little girl is growing up so fast *sniff*
Dad: Yeah. She already got syphillis before her tenth birthday!
It's about goddamned time the parents got off their overweight ass, put down the sandwich, turn of Jerry Springer, and yell at their kids for dressing like loose hoes. Yelling doesn't help? Whipping'll do them good. The only people you can blame for having slutty children is yourselves. You can blame yourself for not teaching them proper values of what's right, and what's skanky. You have failed as parents. Go electrocute yourself.

Sex sells. I bet i can get everyone reading this sexually aroused by typing "SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX." You're turned on already, aren't you? Well, you can thank years and years of conditioning from the TV.
Please, put your pants back on. I just ate.
Anyway, the media has NO corporate responsibility whatsoever. The only thing they care about is making crappy reality tv shows that are about as entertaining as watching a coin spin. I'm going to kill myself if they make another Survivor. It's like what? The 56'th season already? They air horrible shows that errode the moral fibre of society. Yes, the main responsibility of preventing kids from watching such shows falls on the parents, but it'll be alot easier if the shows weren't there to begin with. I'd rather have nothing to watch on Saturday night than have 13-year-olds dress like prostitutes.

Recently, the Ministry of Education has outlined guidelines on how to properly discipline rowdy students in a class. They claim that some teachers spend almost half the period performing class management. The Ministry suggests having a counselor on campus. Now what fun is that? We're talking about students here, people. You want to feed them caviar and truffles too?
Here's a better way to treat them:

#1 A whip with every teacher
Yeah, that's what i'm talking about. It should be a mid-length whip. Strong enough to tear skin, but weak enough to have that wonderful stinging effect. Kids not paying attention in class? Whip em'! Jesus style! Be sure to salt the tips. That'll teach them to shut the hell up.

#2 A nail-gun at every seat
The gun will be hooked up to a deciblemeter. If it reaches a certain level, the gun will fire a rusty nail into the ass of the student. He ain't allowed to move, either, or he'll be shot again.
Everyone knows how boring it tends to get in class. Thus, this feature comes with entertainment! The tetanus shot will be dangled just out of reach of the student. If he wants to live, he'll just have to lean out of his seat to get it. BUT WAIT! He has to keep both ass-cheeks on the chair, or else he'll get shot. In the face. At the end of the lesson, the class can bet who got shot more times: him, or Jenna Jameson.

# A ninja in every class
Yeah. A ninja. All decked out in his ninja-gear, fully equipped with throwing stars and a 7-foot katana. There'll be one in every class. They'll stand quietly in the corner 24/7. Since their ninjas, they won't need water or food or anything. The ninjas will be super still, and hardly anybody will notice them. If even a single noise comes out of one of the litttle punks, the ninja has orders to flip out and decapitate him. Granted, that's murder, but hey, it keeps the class quiet.

My methods are gauranteed to shut the class up, while providing a barrel of laughs.

I'm tired of the seniors in my school telling me to respect them. From this day on, the person who says that that to me will get my foot up his cocky ass. One thing that pisses me off about Chinese culture would be the whole "respect your elders" bit. The point that this tradition is trying to stumble through is that you should respect grandpa and grandma because they've spent their entire lives busting their ass taking care of your parents. I'm cool with that. The thing that gets my blood boiling is when total idiots DEMAND respect just because their parents had sex one year earlier than mine did. My respect is earned. I don't respect anybody who doesn't deserve it, regardless of whether they are a hundred years old or not. Take my arcane school for example. We actually have to bow to teachers when we see them along the corridors. It's to show our respect, they say. The school authorites have their heads so far up their asses that they're blind to the fact that such dipshit practices mean absolutely nada. We're made to respect these teachers, even though i truly respect very little of them. I won't mention anyone's names, because it could mean my ass. Just because there's the word "Chinese" in the schools name (not for long, though), we have to blindly follow practices that make no sense. Alot of teacher in my school deserve as much respect as door stop, and it personally pisses me off when i have to take the effort to bend over when i see them. If i have to respect people who are older than me, does that mean i have to respect the low-life 20-year-old hobo lying on the street? Does that mean i have to respect him even though he has a perfectly healthy body, and the only reason he is begging is because he is a lazy bum? Fat chance, grandpa.

I was in a restaurant tonight, and so many things pissed me off that i had to slit my neck to release blood pressure. Feeling kinda faint.......
Anyway, I'm sure these things would piss you off good too.

#1 Mr "I'm-the-only-one-in-the-restaurant"
They're obnoxious. They're loud. And their voice is as annoying as Joan Rivers'. You know what the hell i'm talking about: Those people who yell when they're carrying out a normal conversation. Is that really necessary? Do they think that the person sitting across the table is deaf? Get some class, asshole. The entire restaurant doesn't need to know you Aunt May has cervical cancer.

#2 The Satanic children
It may be the children who are the annoyance, but my beef is with the parents on this one. They bring their kids to semi-classy restaurant, and they don't even move an ass hair to try and control them. Tonight, this bratty devil-child kept clanking his chopsticks together over and over again. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. TAK-TAK-TAK. I felt like throwing the boiling tea at him. What where the parents doing? Jack-shit, that's what.

#3 The peeping toms
This one has happened to me countless times.
People come in, and they STARE at what you are eating. Their eyes are trained at your food. Then they POINT to it and start yapping, as if you aren't even there. It happens when people are seated too close to your table too. They just STARE and never acknowledge your existance. Then the waiters come in. That's when the fun starts. You have an entire table of people, as well as the frickin' waiter, pointing and looking at your food and discussing whether they want to order it. I'M NOT A GODDAMNED ANIMAL, SHITHEADS! STOP STARING!
I felt like saying "You want this, do you? DO YOU?!??!", and start force-feeding them whatever i was eating. Eh, they can have it. Lost my apetite after all the staring and pointing.

#4 The yappy waitresses
I'm not being sexist here, but they're always women. Two waitresses would stand in one corner and yap and yap and yap about yesterday night's Sex in the City or something, and totally ignore you. You can whistle, you can light a magnesium flare, and they still wouldn't even look in your general direction. I tried throwing a plate at one once, and all she did was dodge the plate and continue talking. These people should be fired. Your boss is paying you to wait tables, not make idle chatter. Idiots.

#5 Shame of the Nation
With the above being said, you still have to excercise a certain degree of self control when it comes to getting the waiter's/waitress' attention. Do not be a stone-age dumbass.
Here's what i mean: A couple of years ago i was in a restaurant. It was pretty crowded, and you had to wait awhile to be.....waited upon. Apparently, this guy had the patience of a hair brush, and he promptly raised his hand. In his clenched palm was a lit lighter. How unclassy and uncivilized is that?! Be it at Denny's or Le Gilded Truffle, YOU NEVER DO THAT. The only times you are allowed to light a lighter is when 1)You want to smoke 2)You're at a Michael Jackson concert or 3) you want to commit random acts of arson.
Restaurant's should have a hose with water at 120psi for patrons like that. They need to be taught a lesson by being bruised by some H2O.


Excuse me, i need to cauterize this gash in my neck before i pass oooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm sick and tired of people whinning about spam. "Boo-freakin-hoo! I'm all distraught because i have to move my hand and finger a little more just to delete spam! Woe is me! O powerful Microsoft, please do something about spam!" Who the hell cares about spam?! It's spyware that should be on the top of our "to eliminate forever and ever" list.

Spyware gets everywhere, and it's annoying. It's like the sand of the internet. It annoys you when it gets in your clothes, hair, and butt-crack, and it's as hard as remove as cancer. I've had a spyware/adware nightmare before, which ended in an entire system reformat because i was about to go crazy sifting through the registry keys.

We're all careful when it comes to spyware. We don't download any "free v!agr@" or "supa Sm!leeeee" programs into our computer, but somehow it manages to slither it's way through. With it being so goddamned annoying, why the hell are we fretting about unsolicited email that takes seconds to delete? Shouldn't we be throwing the asses of the "Gator" people in jail instead?

I say screw spam. Deal with spyware first.

Engineer all your cars to look like this:



and not this:


It's really quite simple. When companis like like Ford, Nissan, Toyota, and Honda stop making crappy cars, their sales will go through the roof. Car companies can make their "budget cars" (eg Nissan Sunny, Honda City,..) look like their worth as much as a Benz, without raising so much as a penny on the cost price.

Hell, you can even keep the asthma-inducing plush seats, if you like. The engine doesn't have to change either. Just the shell of the car. Some people might say "But if you have a bigger car, doesn't you needs more of the bigger engine!??" That can be fixed--make the car smaller. Duh.

My point is: car designers should move away from the "economy car" look, and more towards the "bling-bling car" look, without changing the price. Trust me, it isn't that hard.


Christianity: The lazy man's religion

Before you start to flame me like there's no tomorrow, hear me out first. I'm not calling Christians lazy. The title just seemed apt for what i am going to discuss, which would be the high conversion rate to Christianity. This post is in no way meant to be offensive. It's just my opinion, and i strongly urge you to read all the way through before commenting.

Now that i've cleared my ass of any liability, time to get down and dirty.

	Total adherents*	New from conversion*
Muslims	1,188,242,789	865,558
Christians	1,999,563,838	2,501,396

*as of Jun 2004

If my math still works, Christianity has about 3 times more new convertees than Islam. Holy shit, that's alot. In fact, the world's largest religion has the greatest growth rate of all the other religions. The question is, what makes Christianity so much more poplular than the other religions? Answers simple: as a Christian, you have to do jack-shit.

Here's a sampling of things you'd be kinda obilgated to do as a Muslim: pray FIVE times a day, fast during Ramadan, make at least one trip to Mecca, get circumcised (if you're a dude), and who can forget the persecution if you live in the USA. No one likes being called a towel-head.

Christianity is a whole different issue. Here's what you have to do if you want to get into heaven: Believe. What a regime, huh? It's the only religion with a god so compassionate and loving, that he'd be willing to forgive you for anything. I don't know about you, but that's a pretty good deal. People have told me that as a Christian, one should do this and that and blah blah blah. That's true, but you're not exactly obligated to do it, are you? You still get to spend eternity in paradise.

Many new convertees are teenagers. Reason being teenagers are an impressionable bunch. Easily swayed. That's why they can't vote. Teens nowadays resist major lifestyle changes. That means that the chance of them converting to faiths like Islam is as slim as CBS's 60 Minutes running a story that's actaully true. Which is really slim, by the way.

What teenager would sit in a stuffy church listening to some old guy ramble on and on about hell? That's why churches nowadays have resorted to other methods of spreading the world of the good book; methods that would appeal to the younger crowd. Churches have resorted to using rock music in their sermons. I won't mention which ones *cough cityharvest,newcreation cough*, but these churches have had their fellowship, especially youth fellowship, explode in numbers. They've done something bloody genius. They've done something no church has ever done before. They've made church fun. They've made it "cool" and "funky". If you're a new victim being dragged to church, and you had no brain, you'd be blown away at the sheer "fun" they had. This is nothing like the stuffy church you had in mind! Holy smokes! You think you'll be a Christian.

You'll never hear rock music in a synagogue, mosque, or even a catholic church. What more could a teenager want? Rock music every Sunday, an eternity in paradise, and you don't even have to move your ass.

Make way, i'm accepting Jesus.