How Jesus and I kicked Satan's ass
My previous story was very well received. I had dozens of emails from people saying that they have converted to Atheism and learned the way of the Ninja. They have also said Jesus Christ rocks. I am confused. Anyway, this is a new story. With bigger and better plotlines. Complete with giant robots too. Watch out! It kicks ass.
Jesus walked up to me and said "I need your help to kick Satan's ass. You are a kick-ass ninja who is undoubtedly more powerful than i. So will you help me?"
"I don't know. Hell is a little too toasty for me." I muttered, as i rolled over the giant pile of cash and hordes of naked super-models i was sleeping on.
"You get a free pass to heeeeaven!", said Jesus. He flashed his holy smile. How could i resist.
So we spent 89 days and 89 nights to travel to the bowels of hell. Nothing much happened. There was no giant robots, naked women, or old people being yelled at. Therefore, i shall skip that part.
Anyway, on day 90, Jesus and i made it to the deepest level of hell. We stood in front of a giant flaming throne. Oddley enough, it was a blue plush swivel chair. Not unlike the ones found in Microsoft. The sitter of the chair was facing away from us. His horrible face was hidden from view. I gripped my freakin' cool 6 foot katana. I was ready for some Lucifer ass kicking.
Jesus then said some shit about some boring stuff. I wasn't listening. His cabbage smell was over powering.
The chair slowly swiveled around. It was terrible. I couldn't believe my eyes. The colours were too bright. They seemed to burn my retinas as i gazed upon his terrifying visage. He reminded of Jesus, somewhat. Maybe it was the teeth. But what i saw was still too disturbing to describe.
I saw Barney.
The purple dinosaur all the kids loved was Satan. The devil incarnate himself hheld the hearts of kids aged 2-6 in his...claws. I would have expected Rev Kong Hee, but Barney? It made me want to kick his ass even more. Where was it, anyway?
"Way-hey kids!...uh i mean ....Damn you Jesus! Damn you and your incredibly good looking kick-ass ninja friend!" Barney looked pissed. His plastic eyes was awake with rage and fire. He looked as if his big gay hand bag of tricks went missing.
"Now, Jesus, taste the wrath of my giant anime-like robot! Ha-ha!" With that, the purple dinosaur whipped out a box and threw it in front of us.
The bix uttered a sound that made my bones chill. I'm not afraid of anythin, but this box had me worried.
"Eh-oh". it went. Then it expanded like a giant russian doll. It grew to four stories tall, to reveal the a giant tele-tubby. Jesus screamed like a little girl. I could understand. Teletubbies are weird.
"You go for Satan. I'll take the happy-sunshine robot". I commanded. Jesus nodded, and whipped out his ray gun, as he jumped into the sky to meet Lucifer himself.
With lightning quick speed, i hopped around the teletubby giant robot, taking quick slashes at its plush extrior. I was a like a rabbit on ketemine, i tell ya.
Despite my mega ninja skills, the robot wouldn't relent. Amazing rays of happy kept shooting out of the aerial that stuck out of its demonic head. I bound into the sky, and with a quick swoosh, hewed the ungodly thing off its head. The robot-demon let out a monstrous cry. It sounded like a thousand babies being thrown into lava. From the stump of it's aerial, the souls of the dead pourd out. The ghostly image of Richard Nixon disappeared into oblivion.
Play time was over. There was no "again-again" this frickin' time.
I flipped out. The usual ninja way, and just went postal on the robot. With flashes of steel, the thing fell into pieces, exposing what god had kept hidden.
I didn't break a sweat. I looked over at Jesus. He stood triumphantly over the deapitated head of Satan. Hey! That's not Satan! It was a Barney suit. Satan has some kind of plush suit fetish. *shudder*
Anyway, after the entire ordeal, Satan, Jesus and I had coffee and a biscoti at a nearby Starbucks. Yes, they have a Starbucks in Hell. Ain't life great?
Jesus walked up to me and said "I need your help to kick Satan's ass. You are a kick-ass ninja who is undoubtedly more powerful than i. So will you help me?"
"I don't know. Hell is a little too toasty for me." I muttered, as i rolled over the giant pile of cash and hordes of naked super-models i was sleeping on.
"You get a free pass to heeeeaven!", said Jesus. He flashed his holy smile. How could i resist.
So we spent 89 days and 89 nights to travel to the bowels of hell. Nothing much happened. There was no giant robots, naked women, or old people being yelled at. Therefore, i shall skip that part.
Anyway, on day 90, Jesus and i made it to the deepest level of hell. We stood in front of a giant flaming throne. Oddley enough, it was a blue plush swivel chair. Not unlike the ones found in Microsoft. The sitter of the chair was facing away from us. His horrible face was hidden from view. I gripped my freakin' cool 6 foot katana. I was ready for some Lucifer ass kicking.
Jesus then said some shit about some boring stuff. I wasn't listening. His cabbage smell was over powering.
The chair slowly swiveled around. It was terrible. I couldn't believe my eyes. The colours were too bright. They seemed to burn my retinas as i gazed upon his terrifying visage. He reminded of Jesus, somewhat. Maybe it was the teeth. But what i saw was still too disturbing to describe.
I saw Barney.
The purple dinosaur all the kids loved was Satan. The devil incarnate himself hheld the hearts of kids aged 2-6 in his...claws. I would have expected Rev Kong Hee, but Barney? It made me want to kick his ass even more. Where was it, anyway?
"Way-hey kids!...uh i mean ....Damn you Jesus! Damn you and your incredibly good looking kick-ass ninja friend!" Barney looked pissed. His plastic eyes was awake with rage and fire. He looked as if his big gay hand bag of tricks went missing.
"Now, Jesus, taste the wrath of my giant anime-like robot! Ha-ha!" With that, the purple dinosaur whipped out a box and threw it in front of us.
The bix uttered a sound that made my bones chill. I'm not afraid of anythin, but this box had me worried.
"Eh-oh". it went. Then it expanded like a giant russian doll. It grew to four stories tall, to reveal the a giant tele-tubby. Jesus screamed like a little girl. I could understand. Teletubbies are weird.
"You go for Satan. I'll take the happy-sunshine robot". I commanded. Jesus nodded, and whipped out his ray gun, as he jumped into the sky to meet Lucifer himself.
With lightning quick speed, i hopped around the teletubby giant robot, taking quick slashes at its plush extrior. I was a like a rabbit on ketemine, i tell ya.
Despite my mega ninja skills, the robot wouldn't relent. Amazing rays of happy kept shooting out of the aerial that stuck out of its demonic head. I bound into the sky, and with a quick swoosh, hewed the ungodly thing off its head. The robot-demon let out a monstrous cry. It sounded like a thousand babies being thrown into lava. From the stump of it's aerial, the souls of the dead pourd out. The ghostly image of Richard Nixon disappeared into oblivion.
Play time was over. There was no "again-again" this frickin' time.
I flipped out. The usual ninja way, and just went postal on the robot. With flashes of steel, the thing fell into pieces, exposing what god had kept hidden.
I didn't break a sweat. I looked over at Jesus. He stood triumphantly over the deapitated head of Satan. Hey! That's not Satan! It was a Barney suit. Satan has some kind of plush suit fetish. *shudder*
Anyway, after the entire ordeal, Satan, Jesus and I had coffee and a biscoti at a nearby Starbucks. Yes, they have a Starbucks in Hell. Ain't life great?
